Excerpt. You Are Exceptional.

by Michael Trout:



"I want to talk to you about what it feels like getting ready to be adopted, when you are a little kid who has already had about a hundred mothers.


When you can barely remember what your first mother smelled like.


When everyone spoke a different language in the place where you were born than in the place you are now.

When some of the people who took care of you were called "foster parents" and you didn't know what that meant except something about they weren't going to stick around.


When, in the process of being moved all over the place,


you lost some of your brothers and your sisters


and a particular pair of shoes that felt just right


and your absolutely most favorite cuddly,


and a certain place on the inside of your last crib where you used to scratch with your fingernail to help yourself go to sleep.









None of you got how I was being changed by all these losses, (in my heart and in my behavior).

After a while, I began to get some pretty bad ideas about how things work. I wasn't going to let anybody like me.

Not even me. And so, now, I won't let you imagine even for a minute that I like you. That I need you, desperately.



That I might ever grow to trust you. I am not, after all, a complete moron.

Are you ready to have me not believe you?

Are you ready for me to fight you for control?

Are you ready to hold me, and then hold me some more (when all the time I act like I don't want you to at all?) Are you ready to really stay with me, through a battle that might last almost my whole growing up? Are you willing to feel as powerless as I do?






Sometimes I run into the arms of strangers, like I have know them forever, and like I don't actually care anymore who I am safe with or not. (Am I safe with anybody? Does it matter any more?)

Did I mention how much I am growing to hate smallness, and weakness and defenselessness? It's getting so the only thing I know how to do is to just be as tough as I can, and to try to rub out smallness and weakness wherever I see them:



And as little parts of my spirit keep dying, will it surprise you that I'm not exactly going to be overjoyed when you finally say you have permanent parents for me?

Do you honestly think I am going to say, "Oh, I get it. You were just kidding all those other times, but this time you really mean it"?

And, so, do you want to hear something funny? Just about the time I am ready to get what everybody thought I needed (parents who are actually never going to leave me).



I can't stand all this talk about "permanence" and "adoption". I will make you sorry you ever thought about trying to get close to me. I will make you feel almost as helpless and small as I have usually felt. So are you wondering what I need? Are you wondering what I would do about all of this if I had the power?



First of all, it would help a lot if you would start with one simple, clear commandment to yourself: Never forget that I am watching. Never forget that every single thing you do matters immensely to me, (even when I work like crazy to make you think that it does not). And I will remember. You may be able to get away with treating me as if I am invisible for a while (perhaps long enough to "disrupt" me or move yourself to a different casework job).

I was there, watching, I was having deep feelings about what was happening to me and I needed someone to act as if it mattered, hugely.




And understand that none of this is a reflection on you."








This place was never the same againAfter you came and went
How can you say you meant anything differentTo anyone standing alone On the street with a cigaretteOn the first night we met
Look to the pastAnd remember and smile
And maybe tonightI can breathe for awhileI'm not in the scene
I think I'm fallin' asleepBut then all that it means is I'll always be dreaming of you

http://www.streaming-clips.com/videoclips/3477/Blink-182/Feeling-This.php